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♥Ashley♥
You think you know....but you have no idea.
21 September 2009 @ 02:23 pm
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a sunny day accompanied by a nice cool
breeze. The perfect day to go to the beach and that is exactly where I wanted to be as a 5-year old in mid-May. But instead, I sit in the living room, Tom & Jerry blaring in the background, with tears filling my eyes before making the treacherous run down my puffy red cheeks. They were fighting again. This was nothing new to me, but today it felt different. The tones were louder and the words harsher. Today it hurt.
He wanted her to be home more and stop using drugs. She wanted him to work less and stop abusing the kids. She left, slammed the front door behind her and forgot to say bye. Always the mommy's girl, I chased behind her and caught her at the door of her burgundy civic. I pleaded with her to stay while death-gripping her leg. She pushed me off and promised me it would be better for me and she will be back soon. She got in the car to hide from my murderous cries, started the engine and backed out of the driveway. She did not even look at me as she put the car in drive and took off. This was the day of my first broken heart. As she sped down Santa Monica Street I chased her until I couldn't breathe anymore. I had run to the end of the block without stopping and eventually collapsed on the sidewalk in a fit of tears, hurt and anger. All the while crying out her name, and pleading with her to stop and at the very, very least give me that kiss goodbye.
It never came. She sped away with my heart and never stopped. She didn't look back for another 3 years and that was the next time I saw her. In a white, scary mediation office she sat alone on the couch. My heart sank and anger filled my heart as I saw this stranger. How could she do that to me? How could she do that to us? That was the day I finally got my heart back. And that was the day I decided to keep it for my own.
Now, almost 20 years later she is still and will always be branded as my first heartbreak. I will never forget that sunny day in May, how I felt, or even the way that car drove away from me. I have forgiven but it does take time to heal all wounds. Even as a 5 year old kid, drugs still tried to ruin my life. Even as a 5 year old kid, I rose above and proved myself better than that.
breeze. The perfect day to go to the beach and that is exactly where I wanted to be as a 5-year old in mid-May. But instead, I sit in the living room, Tom & Jerry blaring in the background, with tears filling my eyes before making the treacherous run down my puffy red cheeks. They were fighting again. This was nothing new to me, but today it felt different. The tones were louder and the words harsher. Today it hurt.
He wanted her to be home more and stop using drugs. She wanted him to work less and stop abusing the kids. She left, slammed the front door behind her and forgot to say bye. Always the mommy's girl, I chased behind her and caught her at the door of her burgundy civic. I pleaded with her to stay while death-gripping her leg. She pushed me off and promised me it would be better for me and she will be back soon. She got in the car to hide from my murderous cries, started the engine and backed out of the driveway. She did not even look at me as she put the car in drive and took off. This was the day of my first broken heart. As she sped down Santa Monica Street I chased her until I couldn't breathe anymore. I had run to the end of the block without stopping and eventually collapsed on the sidewalk in a fit of tears, hurt and anger. All the while crying out her name, and pleading with her to stop and at the very, very least give me that kiss goodbye.
It never came. She sped away with my heart and never stopped. She didn't look back for another 3 years and that was the next time I saw her. In a white, scary mediation office she sat alone on the couch. My heart sank and anger filled my heart as I saw this stranger. How could she do that to me? How could she do that to us? That was the day I finally got my heart back. And that was the day I decided to keep it for my own.
Now, almost 20 years later she is still and will always be branded as my first heartbreak. I will never forget that sunny day in May, how I felt, or even the way that car drove away from me. I have forgiven but it does take time to heal all wounds. Even as a 5 year old kid, drugs still tried to ruin my life. Even as a 5 year old kid, I rose above and proved myself better than that.
20 September 2009 @ 01:55 pm
If my crack head
neighbors don't turn
their damn
music down
i am going
to lose my mind.
the bass... arghh
i can hear it
all the way
from the street
11 am to 1 am.
3 weeks into
living in a new
place and i am
ready to move!!
neighbors don't turn
their damn
music down
i am going
to lose my mind.
the bass... arghh
i can hear it
all the way
from the street
11 am to 1 am.
3 weeks into
living in a new
place and i am
ready to move!!
22 May 2009 @ 01:56 pm
01 October 2008 @ 07:11 pm
25 August 2008 @ 11:57 am
By Lisa Kogan - - -(OPRAH.com) -- I had the flu. But not just any flu. No, this was the kind of bug that forces a normally rational human being to dial information and beg the operator for Jack Kevorkian's home phone number.
This was the kind that leaves a generally well-groomed woman crumpled on the sofa in her rattiest flannel nightgown, the one that her 79-year-old aunt from Detroit presented with the keen observation: "Magenta puppies always make things look zanier."
Such was my state when Johannes (in those days my boyfriend, in these days my boyfriend and the father of my child) walked in.
"Man," he called out while hanging his coat in the front hall closet, "I've never seen so many beautiful women in one city." The love of my life continued from the foyer, "I mean, it's like a convention of supermodels out there."
He rounded the corner just in time to watch me sneeze cherry Jell-O over the Arts & Leisure section. "But," he stammered, "none as beautiful as you, my darling."
"Avert your eyes, for I am hideous," I whimpered á la the Elephant Man.
"No, seriously, you look ... not horrible," which was true, provided you're drawn to individuals who appear to have combed peanut butter through their hair.
Finally, in what can only be described as a genuinely pathetic effort to change the subject, he added, "So, I'm just curious. When was the last time you, uh, you know ... showered?"
I gathered up my Sudafed, my Tylenol, my Mucinex, my Puffs, my honey-and-lemon cough drops, my lip balm, my thermometer, my blanket, my "TV Guide," my diet ginger ale, my wonton soup, my cordless phone, my few remaining shards of dignity, and with all the icy élan a woman dressed in a soup-stained frolicking-puppy print can muster, I replied, "Good day, sir!"
He tried for a last-minute save: "Are you losing weight?" But I cut him off. "I said good day!" and flounced gracefully (okay, I tripped over the vaporizer) to our bedroom, where I proceeded to lapse in and out of seven back-to-back episodes of "Law & Order." Oprah.com: Get the key to all great relationships
When I was extremely young and shockingly stupid, I thought you weren't supposed to ever get angry at anybody you cared about (lest you suspect I'm exaggerating the "shockingly stupid" part, I also thought Mount Rushmore was a natural phenomenon). I honestly believed that people who were truly in love would never dream of having a good, old-fashioned, knock-down, drag-out fight. I guess when you're the type of girl who walks around thinking that the wind just sort of sculpted Teddy Roosevelt into the side of a mountain, the concept of a fairy-tale relationship makes total sense. Oprah.com: Can anger be healthy for you?
Johannes and I don't have one of those relationships. The life we've designed isn't perfect, but I've never been a big fan of perfection -- it's a bitch to achieve and impossible to maintain. Instead, we argue on a semi-regular basis. Sometimes we look back at the tougher moments and laugh -- the influenza incident of 2001, the what the f*** do you mean you never want to get married? episode of last Tuesday -- and sometimes we get mad all over again.
But when Johannes fights, he fights like a grown-up. He isn't mean, he isn't sarcastic, he isn't out to annihilate. He just wants us to order in Thai food, watch MSNBC, and be friends again.
Loving somebody and then having the guts to let them love you back doesn't always come easy. For the first three years of our life together, I kept waiting for him to rip off his Mr. Nice Guy mask and turn into every boy who ever broke my heart. I poked, I prodded, I harangued, I guilted, I entrapped, I tested, I stopped just short of waterboarding. But Johannes refused to take the bait. Instead, he maintained his calm, retained his benevolence, and developed migraines.
He made sure I understood that he was in it for the long haul; I would never again have to sit on a blind date listening to some guy tell me what Pink Floyd was really trying to say on "Dark Side of the Moon." The man makes me feel loved -- even when he hates me. And that, I've come to realize, is no small thing.
I have a friend, we'll call her Jane because Jane is a lovely, classic name. Jane is married to this guy, let's call him Dick because, well, suffice it to say the name suits him perfectly. I've had fun with Dick and Jane; we've gone to the theater and dinner and a couple of Knicks games together. With Johannes frequently in Europe, I became like a little dinghy tied to the boat of their marriage, just kind of bobbing along behind them in case of an emergency.
One Sunday a few years ago, we were brunching in SoHo -- because before there were kids and cartoons and Honey Nut Cheerios, there was sleep and sex and brunches in SoHo. Anyway, Jane knocked over her water glass, prompting Dick to spend the rest of the meal excoriating her for every single misstep she'd ever made. He opened his rant with "Christ, it's excruciating to sit next to you at a table," and closed with a reference to her "fat idiot sister." Check please!
Jane called the next morning to apologize for making me part of their "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" production.
I wanted to say, "You're not the one who should be sorry." I wanted to say, "Your only mistake was in not lobbing the basket of stale sweet rolls at his head" -- hell, the cheese Danish alone was heavy enough to stun him into silence. I wanted to say, "Janey, Janey, Janey, what's become of your self-respect?" I wanted to say, "It's not whether somebody loves you (I mean, for all I know O.J. loved Nicole), it's how he treats you that counts."
I found myself wondering: Is Jane afraid to be alone? Is it a money thing? Maybe she's an unindicted coconspirator, provoking him in some way that I'm just not seeing? Or maybe she woke up one morning and 22 years and two sons had simply come and gone -- right along with her energy and confidence. Maybe she just forgot who she'd wanted to be when she grew up. In the end all I managed was, "I'm here if you need me."
"What's the matter? Are you coming down with something?" Johannes asks as I crawl into bed. I assure him that I'm fine. His eyes narrow suspiciously. "Then why are you wearing the magenta puppy nightgown of death?" I explain that I'm working on a column and it's got me thinking about him and me and Dick and Jane and love and homicide and that point when a working relationship becomes more work than relationship. I admit there are moments when I'm not sure if it's luck or love or fear of failure that keeps us going, and I ask Johannes if he knows what I mean.
There is a very long pause. He is contemplative. He is introspective. He is sound asleep.
This was the kind that leaves a generally well-groomed woman crumpled on the sofa in her rattiest flannel nightgown, the one that her 79-year-old aunt from Detroit presented with the keen observation: "Magenta puppies always make things look zanier."
Such was my state when Johannes (in those days my boyfriend, in these days my boyfriend and the father of my child) walked in.
"Man," he called out while hanging his coat in the front hall closet, "I've never seen so many beautiful women in one city." The love of my life continued from the foyer, "I mean, it's like a convention of supermodels out there."
He rounded the corner just in time to watch me sneeze cherry Jell-O over the Arts & Leisure section. "But," he stammered, "none as beautiful as you, my darling."
"Avert your eyes, for I am hideous," I whimpered á la the Elephant Man.
"No, seriously, you look ... not horrible," which was true, provided you're drawn to individuals who appear to have combed peanut butter through their hair.
Finally, in what can only be described as a genuinely pathetic effort to change the subject, he added, "So, I'm just curious. When was the last time you, uh, you know ... showered?"
I gathered up my Sudafed, my Tylenol, my Mucinex, my Puffs, my honey-and-lemon cough drops, my lip balm, my thermometer, my blanket, my "TV Guide," my diet ginger ale, my wonton soup, my cordless phone, my few remaining shards of dignity, and with all the icy élan a woman dressed in a soup-stained frolicking-puppy print can muster, I replied, "Good day, sir!"
He tried for a last-minute save: "Are you losing weight?" But I cut him off. "I said good day!" and flounced gracefully (okay, I tripped over the vaporizer) to our bedroom, where I proceeded to lapse in and out of seven back-to-back episodes of "Law & Order." Oprah.com: Get the key to all great relationships
When I was extremely young and shockingly stupid, I thought you weren't supposed to ever get angry at anybody you cared about (lest you suspect I'm exaggerating the "shockingly stupid" part, I also thought Mount Rushmore was a natural phenomenon). I honestly believed that people who were truly in love would never dream of having a good, old-fashioned, knock-down, drag-out fight. I guess when you're the type of girl who walks around thinking that the wind just sort of sculpted Teddy Roosevelt into the side of a mountain, the concept of a fairy-tale relationship makes total sense. Oprah.com: Can anger be healthy for you?
Johannes and I don't have one of those relationships. The life we've designed isn't perfect, but I've never been a big fan of perfection -- it's a bitch to achieve and impossible to maintain. Instead, we argue on a semi-regular basis. Sometimes we look back at the tougher moments and laugh -- the influenza incident of 2001, the what the f*** do you mean you never want to get married? episode of last Tuesday -- and sometimes we get mad all over again.
But when Johannes fights, he fights like a grown-up. He isn't mean, he isn't sarcastic, he isn't out to annihilate. He just wants us to order in Thai food, watch MSNBC, and be friends again.
Loving somebody and then having the guts to let them love you back doesn't always come easy. For the first three years of our life together, I kept waiting for him to rip off his Mr. Nice Guy mask and turn into every boy who ever broke my heart. I poked, I prodded, I harangued, I guilted, I entrapped, I tested, I stopped just short of waterboarding. But Johannes refused to take the bait. Instead, he maintained his calm, retained his benevolence, and developed migraines.
He made sure I understood that he was in it for the long haul; I would never again have to sit on a blind date listening to some guy tell me what Pink Floyd was really trying to say on "Dark Side of the Moon." The man makes me feel loved -- even when he hates me. And that, I've come to realize, is no small thing.
I have a friend, we'll call her Jane because Jane is a lovely, classic name. Jane is married to this guy, let's call him Dick because, well, suffice it to say the name suits him perfectly. I've had fun with Dick and Jane; we've gone to the theater and dinner and a couple of Knicks games together. With Johannes frequently in Europe, I became like a little dinghy tied to the boat of their marriage, just kind of bobbing along behind them in case of an emergency.
One Sunday a few years ago, we were brunching in SoHo -- because before there were kids and cartoons and Honey Nut Cheerios, there was sleep and sex and brunches in SoHo. Anyway, Jane knocked over her water glass, prompting Dick to spend the rest of the meal excoriating her for every single misstep she'd ever made. He opened his rant with "Christ, it's excruciating to sit next to you at a table," and closed with a reference to her "fat idiot sister." Check please!
Jane called the next morning to apologize for making me part of their "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" production.
I wanted to say, "You're not the one who should be sorry." I wanted to say, "Your only mistake was in not lobbing the basket of stale sweet rolls at his head" -- hell, the cheese Danish alone was heavy enough to stun him into silence. I wanted to say, "Janey, Janey, Janey, what's become of your self-respect?" I wanted to say, "It's not whether somebody loves you (I mean, for all I know O.J. loved Nicole), it's how he treats you that counts."
I found myself wondering: Is Jane afraid to be alone? Is it a money thing? Maybe she's an unindicted coconspirator, provoking him in some way that I'm just not seeing? Or maybe she woke up one morning and 22 years and two sons had simply come and gone -- right along with her energy and confidence. Maybe she just forgot who she'd wanted to be when she grew up. In the end all I managed was, "I'm here if you need me."
"What's the matter? Are you coming down with something?" Johannes asks as I crawl into bed. I assure him that I'm fine. His eyes narrow suspiciously. "Then why are you wearing the magenta puppy nightgown of death?" I explain that I'm working on a column and it's got me thinking about him and me and Dick and Jane and love and homicide and that point when a working relationship becomes more work than relationship. I admit there are moments when I'm not sure if it's luck or love or fear of failure that keeps us going, and I ask Johannes if he knows what I mean.
There is a very long pause. He is contemplative. He is introspective. He is sound asleep.
10 December 2007 @ 10:18 am
Oh the reasoning of things is amusing. I am just tired of being taken advantage of.
more to come.....
more to come.....
27 November 2006 @ 03:49 pm
its super enlightening to find out who you true friends are (or aren't for that matter)
20 December 2005 @ 11:17 pm
So this is me.
As broken, beautiful and perfect as im never gonna be.
I just dont know if it will ever change.
crush me.
crash into me.
something about that laugh.
ive always had that affect on people.
amazing.
bitchy.
grumpy.
moody.
this is me.
love.
hate.
crush.
like.
wheres my road leading me?
your direction?
who knows?
stutter when nervous.
breath has been taken away.
gorgeous.
miss.
envy.
crazy.
dramatic.
truthful.
determined.
MY world revolves around me. As it should.....
you cant love other people until you love yourself. and boy did it hurt to find that one out.
the one.
gone.
forever.
back?
miss.
crazy.
love.
forever.
FOREVER.
I am..
MISSunderstood.
delusional.
thir
teen
hour
work
days
are
no
fun
but we could be.
could.
hope.
crush.
lust.
meet.
you.
me.
/end.
As broken, beautiful and perfect as im never gonna be.
I just dont know if it will ever change.
crush me.
crash into me.
something about that laugh.
ive always had that affect on people.
amazing.
bitchy.
grumpy.
moody.
this is me.
love.
hate.
crush.
like.
wheres my road leading me?
your direction?
who knows?
stutter when nervous.
breath has been taken away.
gorgeous.
miss.
envy.
crazy.
dramatic.
truthful.
determined.
MY world revolves around me. As it should.....
you cant love other people until you love yourself. and boy did it hurt to find that one out.
the one.
gone.
forever.
back?
miss.
crazy.
love.
forever.
FOREVER.
I am..
MISSunderstood.
delusional.
thir
teen
hour
work
days
are
no
fun
but we could be.
could.
hope.
crush.
lust.
meet.
you.
me.
/end.
Current Mood: 
hopeful
hopefulCurrent Music: Blue Eyes- Elton John
11 March 2005 @ 04:27 pm
its heather, im updating ashleys journal for her because she wont.
she's going to tj tonight with me, brian, and sean.
she's happier than shes ever been.
thats all.
just thought you'd like to know she's doing well.
she's going to tj tonight with me, brian, and sean.
she's happier than shes ever been.
thats all.
just thought you'd like to know she's doing well.
18 November 2004 @ 03:59 pm
08 June 2004 @ 08:40 pm
Everyone... friend or not, livejournal user or not.. please do this.
Note: Non-Livejournal users will have to post anonymously and users are also welcome to do the same. :)
Sum up what you think of me in one word or sentence.
Then post this in your journal and see what your readers think of you.
Note: Non-Livejournal users will have to post anonymously and users are also welcome to do the same. :)
Sum up what you think of me in one word or sentence.
Then post this in your journal and see what your readers think of you.
02 June 2004 @ 02:55 pm
Everyone... friend or not, livejournal user or not.. please do this.
Note: Non-Livejournal users will have to post anonymously and users are also welcome to do the same. :)
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
Note: Non-Livejournal users will have to post anonymously and users are also welcome to do the same. :)
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
04 April 2004 @ 04:59 pm
Today was really great.
I got out of bed because i had to pee.
I feel unusual because my antidepressants are making me hairy.
I'm so happy. I just found out that I have been accepted into Harvard. And Yale. I don't know which to choose... oh, why is life so hard sometimes?
Last night I had to masturbate twenty times. I'm so horny. Click here to see my website.
I want to tell the world that I'm gay.
I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been in prison.
Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's some photos of my girlfriend in the nude (but don't tell her that I've posted them here - she'll kill me! Har har.)
I want to say thanks to the academy for giving me this award.
I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, just like my mom.
You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you next week's lottery numbers.
I souhld ralley spto drnukngi
That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with some naked photos of myself. (Not safe for work - teehee).
Created with the Gregors's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater™. Update your journal today!
I got out of bed because i had to pee.
I feel unusual because my antidepressants are making me hairy.
I'm so happy. I just found out that I have been accepted into Harvard. And Yale. I don't know which to choose... oh, why is life so hard sometimes?
Last night I had to masturbate twenty times. I'm so horny. Click here to see my website.
I want to tell the world that I'm gay.
I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been in prison.
Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's some photos of my girlfriend in the nude (but don't tell her that I've posted them here - she'll kill me! Har har.)
I want to say thanks to the academy for giving me this award.
I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, just like my mom.
You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you next week's lottery numbers.
I souhld ralley spto drnukngi
That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with some naked photos of myself. (Not safe for work - teehee).
Created with the Gregors's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater™. Update your journal today!
09 February 2004 @ 09:50 pm
| The Big Five Personality Test |
| Extroverted | |||||||||||||| | 60% |
| Introverted | |||||||||| | 40% |
| Friendly | |||||||||||| | 50% |
| Aggressive | |||||||||||| | 50% |
| Orderly | |||||||||||| | 46% |
| Disorderly | |||||||||||||| | 54% |
| Relaxed | |||||| | 28% |
| Emotional | |||||||||||||||||| | 72% |
| Openminded | |||||||||||||| | 56% |
| Closeminded | |||||||||||| | 44% |
05 February 2004 @ 11:11 pm
You all better go wish Dani ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
appleshampoop a happy 18th birthday, because she is the best and she deserves it!
<3 shes the greatest.
01 August 2003 @ 03:25 pm
This is Daniella. I redid Ashley's journal. I got a lot of inspiration of the journal colors from her new walls in her room. =0) I hope you like it, Ash. IM me later.
what do you guys think?
♥ Dani
what do you guys think?
♥ Dani